Mindless Drivel

i was going through some old things on my computer, cleaning out folders and such when i ran across this old letter that i had saved.  it was written by amalia (of the delage clan), and ive been holding on to it so that i could share it with as many people as possible at just the right time.  this is just that time.  enjoy.

Dear Community Bank,

First of all, I’d like to suggest a name change.  "Community" Bank implies helpfulness, caring, accommodation and flexibility.  It just doesn’t suit you!  No.  Instead I’d like to suggest Concrete Bank.  Your new motto could be "We’re stone cold and we won’t bend for anyone."  I like it.  It really fits. Write a memo and fax it to your superior.  Now on to the meat of this thing.

I believe your bureaucratic manual, (by which you all run your lives and apparently ruin everyone else’s) dictates, among other things, that in order to close my account with your bank, I need to write you a letter.  CLOSE MY ACCOUNT.  Send me my 18 cents.  And you can bet I’m going to enjoy writing this letter.

I understand that your little banking rules dictate strict adherence, and that obedient little minions that you are, you were only "doing your job."  The problem with that is I know you could’ve done your job better, found a solution.  Instead you waste my time by giving me the "run-around," not giving me valid information, or the full story, contradicting each other, and generally doing what bureaucracy is so good at.

You could have gone to your superiors and gotten authorization to get me a bank card.  I have had an account with you for 5 years.  Over that time I have loaned you roughly $50,000 to invest, play with as you see fit.  Let’s face it folks, you’re not doing me any favors here, nor have you ever.  I am incensed by your "I’m just on the clock and collecting a paycheck" attitude.  I am repulsed that this is so thinly veiled by your patronizing "we’re in the driver’s seat" polite smugness.  You can’t do anything for me?  It’s your damned job to accommodate me.  I am (or was) the customer, and I have loaned you my money.  Accommodate me!  If I were going to rip you off, I would’ve found a way to do it a long time ago.

I understand they don’t teach pettiness, anger and frustration in the manual, and you all can smugly sit behind your glossy counter and pretend you are superior to me, but rest assured, I pray this comes back to bite you in your collective butts.  These things are merely reactions to that little rule book (by which you wholeheartedly live your lives) which leaves no room for kindness, caring, consideration or reasonable behavior. "Community Bank," indeed!  You should be ashamed.

I hope all your lives are tripped up, your time is wasted, you have to stand in long lines with no results.  I hope you all get fines, get tickets, lose mortgages, bounce checks.  I hope important mail gets lost, comes late, goes to the wrong address.  I hope you always stay just one paycheck away from being on the street, that this causes stress, tears your families apart, keeps you up nights, gives you anxiety.  Furthermore, I hope your solution to this problem is to medicate yourselves heavily, vote Republican, watch a lot of bad T.V., and try not to think about it, insuring that it keeps happening.

I  hope that when you hear of someone killing themselves that you blame their childhood, parents or a chemical imbalance.  Furthermore, I hope that you are filled with that dreaded uncomfortable feeling that it was really none of those things and that it was a whole lot more.  And I hope that feeling haunts you for a long time.

I hope all the collective stress of your collective days leaves you so empty, exhausted and frustrated that you go home and snap at  your spouses and your children, ensuring that you don’t build deep, loving bonds with them.  I hope you keep believing in the "institution" of marriage and keep failing.  And keep trying.  And keep failing.  Furthermore, I hope you all consider yourselves Christians because the irony of that really makes me laugh.  I hope you really believe you are doing better for the world and are stumped by the reality that in spite of what you do, it’s not getting better.  I hope today is just like yesterday and that tomorrow is exactly the same. 

May your lives always be dull and may your brains turn to mush.  I hope you have no real joy.

Sincerely (you better believe it), 
Amalia

now, ive been bitter and angry before, but ive never written anything quite as scathing as this. 

oh, and, yes, she did mail it to her (former) bank.

-b

This entry was posted on Monday, February 6th, 2006 at 8:39 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.